Specialties
One of the pet peeves I have, is when individuals who are not licensed psychotherapists or psychologists use clinical terminology, and the reason being is it can be misused, and we can mislabel individuals.
Today, I’m going to talk about emotional abuse in relationships, (specifically in romantic partnerships) such as marriages and long term partnerships, or domestic partnerships. I’m going to help distinguish what emotional abuse is.
There are thousands of videos on narcissistic abuse, so I’m not going to speak to that phrase today; what I’m going to highlight is how to understand the distinctions between what emotional abuse is versus other forms of abuse.
So, for example, for domestic violence we associate with physical actions; maybe hitting or punching or pushing or slapping. Emotional abuse can be interchangeably used with verbal abuse; it is associated with a psychological breakdown of a person, and it is not subconscious like other forms of abuse. So, for example, narcissistic abuse, can be subconscious, while verbal abuse is overt. It’s it’s direct. So verbal and emotional abuse, I’m going to use those terms interchangeably.
I’m gonna first go over a list of of what that means under that umbrella, and you can have a better understanding of what that will look like. Perhaps you’ve either experienced it. You’ve been on the receiving end of it, or you’ve witnessed it.
So this would include forms of something called love bombing. A love bombing is the honeymoon stage the first couple of months you meet someone, and they are just showering you with over the top gifts: daily or weekly delivery of flowers and lots of gifts and surprises. And it’s very intense. And it comes off very, very quickly. So these are typically the individuals who are insisting on, you know, moving in very quickly together. Perhaps even moving very quickly in the relationship.
And what I always tell people is when someone is applying pressure that implies that there’s a sense of urgency. When a person is more patient that implies that the person feels secure and that they trust that there will be a process of getting to know one another. So a part of love bombing is showering a person with so much attention that it builds a sense of intensity to the extent to which the person constantly wants to be involved with you, attach to you, have time with you, see you and and showering you with kind of over the top gifts.
Another form of abuse in that process is something called gaslighting.
There’s a separate video on that but gaslighting is intentional; it’s designed to create doubt in a person so that the person over time trusts themselves less and less. The next form of emotional abuse is when your boundaries are ignored or dismissed. So I’ll give a concrete example; perhaps you’re a person who says to your partner or your spouse, you’re not comfortable with them maybe going to lunch with someone that you’ve identified as someone you don’t find appropriate, and they decide to go to lunch with them anyways.
Another example might be that Wednesdays at 7 PM, is your alone time. That’s your time to decompress or take a class or do something that you enjoy. But this person is, often insisting that they want to see you and they don’t respect the fact that that’s your designated time. So those are examples.
Projecting is another form of emotional abuse. That’s when an individual will engage in a behavior in which they’ll accuse you of something that they themselves may not be aware of they’re actually doing so. For example, I might project onto my partner or my spouse that they are insecure. But perhaps that’s something I struggle with. But I’m not actually aware of that, and it’s not that it’s a subconscious form of abuse, it’s overt because they’re still projecting a judgment on to you.
Another form of emotional abuse is nit picking. So nit picking is when we will find little patterns. Possibly our partner spouses idiosyncrasies, maybe their likes or their their hobbies, or maybe something of interest to them. And you know, over time we start to make little jabs. Perhaps I say, “tennis is for people who just don’t have real hobbies”. That would be an example. Or perhaps I see the way they cut their their food. And I say, “why do you hold your fork like that? That’s weird.”
So nitpicking is a form of abuse because it over time results in our partner or our spouse decreasing their sense of confidence and security within themselves, resulting in a profound amount of insecurity and self-doubt which results in more power over that person, psychologically and emotionally.
Another form of abuse is shifting responsibility and blame. So that’s basically engaging in the pattern of avoidance, and that’s when, instead of the person being able to look at themselves and self reflect, they immediately lash out and deflect and attack you instead. So, for example, if I’m confronted because I lied again about using drugs, if I don’t want to be confronted with that information, because I’m not ready to face it, I’ll lash out and deflect, and I’ll say “you’re the one who always spends money on your gambling addiction”. So I’ll make it about shifting blame instead of taking accountability.
Another form of emotional abuse is engaging in subtle patterns in which result in me creating either an unstable or unpredictable either living environment or relationships. So perhaps I tell my spouse that I’m going to begin school. And then a week later, I’ve decided that I’m quitting my job, and I’m going to start a different career. So they’re constantly creating a sense of chaos and change in which there’s no sense of stillness for their partner.
Another form of emotional abuse is what I refer to as weaponizing someone’s vulnerability that refers to using the sensitive pieces of information that our partner or spouse has shared with us in moments of softness, moments of tenderness, and utilizing it during an argument or when we’re feeling uncomfortable, we lash out at them and weaponize that information.
So, for example, if my spouse or partner has ever said something in confidence such as perhaps they shared in childhood. One of their parents was always overfeeding them. Perhaps in a future argument, if I’m trying to make my spouse feel bad about themselves I’ll say, “the reason why you’re so overweight, because your father was always overfeeding you growing up”, so it could seemingly come out of nowhere. So in a moment, I’m making that person even more vulnerable, and it’s a sense of betrayal that gets activated.
These are just some forms of abuse. More overt forms of abuse are name calling, raising your voice when yelling, and saying unkind things. Another is something called stonewalling, where a person either turns their back on you, or walks out of the room or closes a door on your face. or another form of abuse is when you’re asking a question to your spouse or partner in a kind, respectful manner, and they give you the silent treatment. So these are all different forms of emotional abuse, and some people are unaware that these are, in fact, forms of abuse.
So it’s important to start reflecting on our patterns that perhaps we’ve acclimated to so that we can start to make adjustments over time. And the reason why I wanted to make this video today was, there’s a lot of misinformation from Pop psychology. And I wanted to make sure that all of you had the information, so that you understand not only how to look out for yourself, but look at yourself as well.
If you have more questions, you’re welcome to reach out on the website.
Take good care.
